I had to let her go...

Yesterday afternoon at about 4:30pm my mama (grandmother) finally breathed her last breath. She had been struggling to breath even being on the oxygen machine at 100% and she was so miserable and in pain on it that we decided to take her off of it and try to make her comfortable. For a little while after being off of the bipap, she stabilized and we thought she might do okay, but about an hour and a half later her stats began to drop. As I sat watching her heartrate fall and her breathing begin to slow, my heart dropped along with hers. She was dying and I knew I had to let go. Her frail hand in mine, I cried. I knew she was more comfortable without being on the bipap and she was no longer in pain. I knew that she was going to a better place where she could dance and worship Jesus like she loved to do. It was just hard. It was hard to accept that her presence in this world was ending.

So I told her how much I loved her and it was okay to go be with Jesus and my papa. Then, with God’s help, I let her go. And in her sleep, she peacefully took her last few breaths as my husband and I stood by her bedside. I’m glad I was there to hold her hand and to say my last goodbyes. I’m glad I was there so she wouldn’t be alone.

Today I came back to my mom’s house, where she lived. And as I walked in, I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions as the reality of it all hit me. Her favorite cereal and cookies still sits in the cabinet and her reading glasses are still on the table. There are so many pieces of her life laying around that it’s hard not to do anything without being reminded of her. But I wouldn’t trade those memories, those reminders of her for anything. She was an amazing woman, wife, mother, grandmother and friend and I feel so honored that she loved me and she was a part of my life. My heart may hurt because I miss her, but my spirit is glad she finally made it home! Mama, you will be missed, but I know I’ll see you again someday! Give papa a big kiss for me…

My second home at the hospital...

I forget what day it is or how long I’ve been sitting here in this uncomfortable chair. I think it’s become such a part of me that I’ll leave a permanent mold of my body behind when I get up. Usually when Friday comes along, I’m so excited for the weekend that I don’t need to be reminded what day it is. Unfortunately, that’s not the case today. Nothing is exciting about today.
Early Wednesday morning I was startled awake by a phone call from my mother telling me my mama (grandmother) had collapsed and my mom was going to have to rush her to the hospital. Panic stricken, I rushed to get dressed and as soon as my sister picked up my nieces from me, I went to meet my mom. At the time we didn’t know why, but I guess it all started with a cold. It’s rather unnerving to think that something as simple as a cold can turn so serious. Apparently, I guess the cold turned into pneumonia and the infection is pretty bad in one of her lungs and she collapsed as a result. Walking into that ER and seeing my frail mama laying there with tubes and wires sprouting like ugly weeds was heartbreaking. I felt like her beautiful life was slipping through my fingers already and no amount of grip would be able to hold on to her.
Three days later, I’m thankful for the time I have had with her. Both in the hospital and through the years but even though I’m glad for the time we’ve had, I’m not any more comforted. She’s in the ICU and it’s not looking good. Her stats keep dropping and the doctors don’t sound optimistic. The truth is I know that if it’s her time to go that my great and mighty God will protect her and keep her safe, but my heart still hurts. At one point last night her stats dropped so much we thought we were losing her. As we all stood around her bedside, sobbing, I was reminded me of how scared I am to lose her. She’s always been such a big part of my life and it’s hard to let go. I know when or if the time comes, God will give me the strength, but that still doesn’t negate that my human flesh is weak.
To many it may seem odd to write a blog about all this, but as I sit here, alone, in this eerily, quiet room, I feel my thoughts overwhelming me. My sister and husband are at work, my mom is home trying to get herself and things together. And I’m here. The only noise is the constant alarms on her monitors setting me on edge. I’m clinging to hope. Hope that if it’s not her time, God will heal her and make her well. Hope that if it is her time, he’ll take her home in peace and not pain. Hope that God is with me and will give me strength.