I had to let her go...

Yesterday afternoon at about 4:30pm my mama (grandmother) finally breathed her last breath. She had been struggling to breath even being on the oxygen machine at 100% and she was so miserable and in pain on it that we decided to take her off of it and try to make her comfortable. For a little while after being off of the bipap, she stabilized and we thought she might do okay, but about an hour and a half later her stats began to drop. As I sat watching her heartrate fall and her breathing begin to slow, my heart dropped along with hers. She was dying and I knew I had to let go. Her frail hand in mine, I cried. I knew she was more comfortable without being on the bipap and she was no longer in pain. I knew that she was going to a better place where she could dance and worship Jesus like she loved to do. It was just hard. It was hard to accept that her presence in this world was ending.

So I told her how much I loved her and it was okay to go be with Jesus and my papa. Then, with God’s help, I let her go. And in her sleep, she peacefully took her last few breaths as my husband and I stood by her bedside. I’m glad I was there to hold her hand and to say my last goodbyes. I’m glad I was there so she wouldn’t be alone.

Today I came back to my mom’s house, where she lived. And as I walked in, I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions as the reality of it all hit me. Her favorite cereal and cookies still sits in the cabinet and her reading glasses are still on the table. There are so many pieces of her life laying around that it’s hard not to do anything without being reminded of her. But I wouldn’t trade those memories, those reminders of her for anything. She was an amazing woman, wife, mother, grandmother and friend and I feel so honored that she loved me and she was a part of my life. My heart may hurt because I miss her, but my spirit is glad she finally made it home! Mama, you will be missed, but I know I’ll see you again someday! Give papa a big kiss for me…