I forget what day it is or how long I’ve been sitting here in this uncomfortable chair. I think it’s become such a part of me that I’ll leave a permanent mold of my body behind when I get up. Usually when Friday comes along, I’m so excited for the weekend that I don’t need to be reminded what day it is. Unfortunately, that’s not the case today. Nothing is exciting about today.
Early Wednesday morning I was startled awake by a phone call from my mother telling me my mama (grandmother) had collapsed and my mom was going to have to rush her to the hospital. Panic stricken, I rushed to get dressed and as soon as my sister picked up my nieces from me, I went to meet my mom. At the time we didn’t know why, but I guess it all started with a cold. It’s rather unnerving to think that something as simple as a cold can turn so serious. Apparently, I guess the cold turned into pneumonia and the infection is pretty bad in one of her lungs and she collapsed as a result. Walking into that ER and seeing my frail mama laying there with tubes and wires sprouting like ugly weeds was heartbreaking. I felt like her beautiful life was slipping through my fingers already and no amount of grip would be able to hold on to her.
Three days later, I’m thankful for the time I have had with her. Both in the hospital and through the years but even though I’m glad for the time we’ve had, I’m not any more comforted. She’s in the ICU and it’s not looking good. Her stats keep dropping and the doctors don’t sound optimistic. The truth is I know that if it’s her time to go that my great and mighty God will protect her and keep her safe, but my heart still hurts. At one point last night her stats dropped so much we thought we were losing her. As we all stood around her bedside, sobbing, I was reminded me of how scared I am to lose her. She’s always been such a big part of my life and it’s hard to let go. I know when or if the time comes, God will give me the strength, but that still doesn’t negate that my human flesh is weak.
To many it may seem odd to write a blog about all this, but as I sit here, alone, in this eerily, quiet room, I feel my thoughts overwhelming me. My sister and husband are at work, my mom is home trying to get herself and things together. And I’m here. The only noise is the constant alarms on her monitors setting me on edge. I’m clinging to hope. Hope that if it’s not her time, God will heal her and make her well. Hope that if it is her time, he’ll take her home in peace and not pain. Hope that God is with me and will give me strength.
Early Wednesday morning I was startled awake by a phone call from my mother telling me my mama (grandmother) had collapsed and my mom was going to have to rush her to the hospital. Panic stricken, I rushed to get dressed and as soon as my sister picked up my nieces from me, I went to meet my mom. At the time we didn’t know why, but I guess it all started with a cold. It’s rather unnerving to think that something as simple as a cold can turn so serious. Apparently, I guess the cold turned into pneumonia and the infection is pretty bad in one of her lungs and she collapsed as a result. Walking into that ER and seeing my frail mama laying there with tubes and wires sprouting like ugly weeds was heartbreaking. I felt like her beautiful life was slipping through my fingers already and no amount of grip would be able to hold on to her.
Three days later, I’m thankful for the time I have had with her. Both in the hospital and through the years but even though I’m glad for the time we’ve had, I’m not any more comforted. She’s in the ICU and it’s not looking good. Her stats keep dropping and the doctors don’t sound optimistic. The truth is I know that if it’s her time to go that my great and mighty God will protect her and keep her safe, but my heart still hurts. At one point last night her stats dropped so much we thought we were losing her. As we all stood around her bedside, sobbing, I was reminded me of how scared I am to lose her. She’s always been such a big part of my life and it’s hard to let go. I know when or if the time comes, God will give me the strength, but that still doesn’t negate that my human flesh is weak.
To many it may seem odd to write a blog about all this, but as I sit here, alone, in this eerily, quiet room, I feel my thoughts overwhelming me. My sister and husband are at work, my mom is home trying to get herself and things together. And I’m here. The only noise is the constant alarms on her monitors setting me on edge. I’m clinging to hope. Hope that if it’s not her time, God will heal her and make her well. Hope that if it is her time, he’ll take her home in peace and not pain. Hope that God is with me and will give me strength.
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