slipping...

Like any other big event in your life, things are exciting and new following that event. Unfortunantly as life begins to settle back in and things go back to normal, you fall back in to old ways, old habits. When I came back from my HY retreat, I felt good. I had heard the Lord speaking to me, I felt Him working in me and have ever since. I know He's still pruning me and refining me, but I'm beginning to feel myself resisting, withdrawling. Old lies are starting to whisper again. And old feelings are welling up. I'm beginning to feel inadequate again and unfixable. Oh that word. Unfixable. I feel so much like much-afraid from that heart-wrenching book, Hinds feet on High Places. And it breaks my heart to admit that. I know all I can do is lay it back down on the altar and leave it there, but I'm so scared. Scared that if I lay down my desire to be a mom, if I don't constantly remind God of my desire to be a mom, He'll forget. Funny right? God forgetting. But that's my fear. I can feel my fingers clapsing tightly again to my desire and holding on for dear life. I want to let go. I want to leave it on the altar and continue to let my Creator prune me. But I'm just not sure I can. Maybe I should just stay here till I can. I'm sure eventually my fingers will tire from holding on so tightly that I'll have to let go. I know this is just a season and I'll make it through. Somehow.